Gotcha

I don't know the right words for this new language I discovered today. No one who tried to tell me what it was like to be a mother captured this feeling and the only reason they didn't is because they couldn't. There aren't words to capture it. 

If you are trying to build a family and it's not working- infertility, long adoption process, whatever it is- there's hope.  Do not let anyone or anything steal your dream for a child. It can happen for you. The heartbreak and the wrenching empty will be filled. God is a father to the fatherless and he is also the hope for those who are childless but wish for a child. You need to know that. 

The families in our travel group started our day nervous. We had a short prayer service before we left the hotel to give thanks and pray for smooth transitions for these babies and their caregivers. We boarded a bus with extra blankies, backpacks, goldfish crackers, and starry eyes all for our children. 

One child was there when we arrived. Several more soon followed. On the whole it was a calm group of little ones that came in. Every child that entered, the families searched the faces looking to see a face that was familiar. Most families receive a sum total of less than 10 pictures (reality is often less than 5) of their child, so the son or daughter may not look exactly the same if they've grown or have a new haircut. 

When I saw Gabe in the arms of his nanny, though, I knew. Mom was able to capture some video and the other families who were able to helped us out with pictures for Tim. Gabe loves his nanny and did not want to be out of her arms. He is very strong and was actively trying to jump out of my arms. Bless his caretaker and all his nannies who gave him such tender love! 

When his nanny left, he and I walked outside and sat on the steps and then walked to sit on a bench by the pond/water fountain. He didn't want any part and continued to cry. The guides taught us 2 simple phrases in mandarin for "don't cry" and "it's ok". This is what I sang to him over and over and over. I felt a change in him at one point and knew we would be ok when he stopped trying to get away from me when he cried but instead clung to me while he cried. Eventually I was called back inside to sign paperwork. 

Once the papers were complete Gabe and I sat in the floor behind a small indoor play area with a few toys. We were out of the way of the large crowd of people still gathered for the gotcha day. He continues to cry but eventually calmed to a whimper, then a sniffle, then still. We sat and rocked for a bit. Just chillin. He fell asleep in my arms with his head on my shoulder. The other families applauded. 

When it was time to take his adoption picture, the guide did not want to wake him up (bless her) so she saved him for last. Eventually he did open his eyes briefly- more of a sleepy flutter- and the cameraman got the pic he needed. We moved over to a couch with several other families holding their precious new family members. 

By the time we boarded the bus, Gabriel was done with nap time and ready for action. On the bus he chattered and played. He best loved a small singing remote control toy given to us by our friend Tracey. He has played with it all day. When he drops it, it's only to pick up the other toy from Tracey, a ball that rattles loudly. He played peek a boo on the bus with Grammy in the seat behind us and pointed out the window while he chattered. In the hotel waiting for the elevator, he said very clearly, "mama". Later today he has alternately said "daddy" and "baba". I don't know if there's another word in mandarin that just sounds like "daddy" but I would swear that's what we heard more than once. 

We had a full day of playing, cuddling, and bonding today. 3 times I have held this sleepy bundle in my arms while he succumbed to his dreams. I could have stayed there all day. All day. There were a couple additional melt downs after the first, but not for long, and he has laughed more than he's cried. He rode well in his toddler carrier against my chest. He had his hand print taken (melt down), he ate snacks and dinner and fruit. We took a walk in the park, and he had a bath tonight because tomorrow will be a busy morning. 

That's it for tonight friends. I know so many of you have prayed for us, or remembered us throughout these last several days. I don't always respond to your IMs and messages, but I read and treasure them all. I know that you are lifting us up, and praying for our family. Thank you so much for giving us that gift. Gabriel is a joy. He's a revelation. He's our son.