Trust Fall

Life continues apace. We are learning, learning, learning, and the latest lesson is all about trust. I watched a very giggly and slippery Gabriel having a blast in his bath tonight. The water is colored pink with some fun Crayola drops and there all are kinds of singing, swimming bath toys. It's a relief to see Gabe happy and splashing because over the weekend, that's not the experience we were having. 

Last Friday night was a train wreck. Gabe was sick. We had planned to grill out and enjoy the long evening together. We did have a long evening, but a leisurely dinner wasn't part of the final agenda. What did feature were jangled nerves, an after hours call to the on-call pediatrician, a pharmacy run, tears, and lots of comforting hugs in an attempt to soothe our sweet son. I have rarely felt so useless in my life. First time parents' first after hours call to the doc was unnerving. At least we weren't told that it was a virus; the doc thankfully called in a prescription and gave great practical advice.

The rest of the weekend was up and down. On Monday Tim and Gabe visited the doctors office, and came out with antibiotics enough for 2 ear infections and a strep infection. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. 

Our forays into the medical world have just kicked off. From the time that we accepted Gabriel's file in August last year we knew that when he came home he would need to visit the specialist team at Cincinnati Children's Hospital (CCH). Our pediatrician had reviewed his files with us and prepped us for this eventuality. We have done research and connected with resources (now friends) all over the country to support us through this part of the journey. Still. It's scary. And when I'm scared I realize there's two options: agonize in the paralyzingly fear and worry, or set it loose and trust God. One of those options comes to me more easily than the other; left to myself I clutch what-if and panic to me like a blanket. God has been prying that blanket out of my hands one finger at a time. In its place, He gives His peace. 

"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27 NKJV 

On Monday our family of 3 will travel to CCH to begin this part of our journey. June 30 is the MRI. Gabe will be sedated for the procedure (when the very serious nurse asked me if he could be still for 60-90 minutes I laughed and reminded her that he's 2). On Tuesday June 1 he will have another contrast study done, this time he can be awake and semi-wiggly (pshew). And there are other appointments at CCH shortly after that. 

I know that this hospital is rated very highly overall in the nation and that they have one of only a handful of specialist programs in the country that suits Gabe's needs (odd or God?) and still I find myself having trouble letting go and trusting. I don't know these doctors and nurses yet, and to them my son is just a file right now. Still. I hear a quiet whisper in my ear that I don't have to trust any of the expert physicians. I only have to trust the Healer, the Great Physician, the One who knit Gabe together in his mother's womb. When I think of trusting God with my child instead of the doctors, my fingers loosen off my fear blanket. I can breathe. I have tested the Lord's promises time and again over the years, and He is always faithful. 

"Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!" Psalms 34:8 NKJV

The other day I got this song stuck in my head in the car on the commute to work and I had to raise an eyebrow. I believe God has a sense of humor... As Joan Baez said in 1971-

"Put your hand in the hand of the man

Who stilled the water
Put your hand in the hand of the man
Who calmed the sea..."

Our family has a mountain ahead of us. It's a good thing that God is still in the business of moving mountains. I write all of this not because I am accomplished at trusting, oh no. But typing it all out does help me breathe easier. In the course of a day I'll snatch my blanket of fear back to cover me a zillion times. And then God gently reminds me of his promises again.

“...for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20 NKJV

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV (my personal favorite Bible verse)

Ok, enough of the serious stuff. On to the pictures (aka the real reason you are still reading... *smile*)

Eating yogurt with his fingers

So handsome for church!

Gabe discovered the pots and pans this week

Love bubbles!

That face! Love him!

The pull along puppy is giving Mickey a ride!

Mickey gets a story, music, and a drink

Mouseketeer! Gabe was fascinated when he found these ears. 

Cruisin!

Very brave- I didn't let him try this trick for long, don't worry. 

Cheers to Baba

Monday, June 16 is the one month anniversary of Gabe's homecoming. Tim became a father the same day I became a mother; the adoption was completed May 6. But the day when theory became reality and he met his son was the third Friday in May this year. 

Tim was able to come through the gate to meet us when my mom, Gabe, and I came off the airplane in Lexington on May 16. I have already shared some of this, but the flights home weren't the easiest. Gabe finally slept from Chicago to Lexington. He woke a bit when he was jostled by my walk up the narrow plane aisle from the back of the plane to the front. 

Sidebar: you know how even if you deplane from the way back you still have people pulling bags down and moving around even after most everyone has gone. Well, we were waiting for people to finish collecting their things because I wanted to be careful about the jostling and avoid a loud, wailing wake-up. One man moved aside for us, smiled, and said that what we were going to do (meet Tim) was more important than what he was going to do so we should go in front of him. Sometimes people just warm your heart. We had told Gabe in the wait to board the flight that we were going home to meet Baba, so I'm sure our flight-mates overheard us.

Anyhoo, Tim and I saw each other when I came through the gate, and he saw his son, and it was... Complete. God planned and prepared and blessed that moment. He planned and prepared and blessed so many moments, but that one was special. We walked to an empty space behind some chairs and Gabe came out of his carrier briefly. Tim held him and they checked each other out. Gabe was never shy of Tim. He preferred me at first because he had been around me more, but once he learned how much fun his daddy is, there has been no looking back. 

Tim was working one evening recently and I was fixing dinner. Gabe was playing and walking around chattering with the dogs following close behind. He walked in to the kitchen carrying the small family photo album we had sent to China in a care package. It was returned to us in Gabriel's things at the time of adoption (which we greatly appreciate!!) and we have it for him at home where he can easily reach it and see all of his family. So Gabriel walks into the kitchen with it, and he's looking at a picture of Tim and I and saying, "Baba." He wandered out of the kitchen and down the hall, and all through downstairs looking for his baba.

Growing up my father would tell Stephanie and I the stories of when we were born. This usually happened on our respective birthdays but also sometimes on Father's Day or Mother's Day. We are not able to tell Gabe a story of when he was carried in his mommy's tummy and what happened in the world the day he came into it. But we can tell him the stories about the day we became his mama and baba. The fizzy excitement and travel over the North Pole. We can tell him about all of you- the family and friends who waited for news from China with us, or the dear friends in China who loved him to pieces and saved his life by providing medical care when he was so small. The preparations we made to decorate his room and child-proof the house. We can tell him that he's the boy that made us parents, and that we are proud of him no matter what may come. I am so excited to watch Gabe grow up! He has the best example of what it means to be a man that a boy could ever ask for as his father. 

In addition to fathers day, & the one month homecoming anniversary, Tim's birthday is also this week! So cheers to fathers, and not just fathers by birth, but all the men who have influenced us with wise counsel and care, who walked beside us to shelter us, make us stronger, & make us safer. 

This came home from daycare on Friday and made me cry! Precious!

Partners in mischief!

Watching cousin Benji open birthday presents with lau lau (Grammy)

Matching cousins

Thank you for my squirt gun cousin Brooke!

Swimming at nai nai's (Magraul's) house is fun!

Full steam ahead Baba!

He likes his sunglasses but thinks the lenses are too dark!

Love Mickey!

One Month In: An Exercise in Hospitality

Today marks the one month anniversary of our adoption finalization! Yesterday was one month since my mom and I met Gabriel in Zhengzhou. The first day we signed a guardianship agreement, and the next day, 5/6, the adoption was finalized. 

The first day, gotcha day, was so scripted  that there wasn't much room to think about what to do next, we just did it. The next day, though, I woke up wondering what I had let myself in for. We cleaned up ready for breakfast but what does a toddler eat? What does a toddler eat with after you've confiscated all the sharp and noisy objects from the entire table? There were a few things on the schedule to do that day, but mostly the day was left open for bonding; how were we supposed to accomplish that? Gabe was seriously into everything, how would I keep him occupied (and away from the mini-bar snacks)? And once I figured out an activity for the morning, what about the afternoon, and tomorrow, and the next 18 years? I was, in short, overwhelmed.  

A month later, I feel a sense of accomplishment at each meal that he enjoys that Tim and I prepared (watch me feed my child! This I can do!). The bonding began in China and is still happening the more and more time that we spend together as a family. As for how to keep a busy toddler occupied, well, I'm open to suggestions! A lot of the day I feel like I've got the dragon by the tail. 

This month has been full of new experiences for Gabe but also for Tim and I. We are used to doing whatever or going where ever we want at any moment- we have never been parents before! Some of my learning curve is that those days of setting my own agenda are over- it's hard to lay down my self-will. A Communications professor at Asbury told us in our Family Comms class that having children is an exercise in hospitality. You don't do what you want to do, you do what this strange, small person wants to do. You do it with a smile, and while saying nice things to the small person. I've been wanting to rent a movie at r*dbox for weeks now, and then after Gabe is in bed I realize I never picked it up. Gone are the days when I could just pop out and pick it up to enjoy with a large bowl of popcorn. I am not deluded enough to try to take him with me to fetch the movie. The movie box is next to a candy machine and 4 toy machines, including the one with the claw that is irresistible to anyone under the age of 27. 

I am making plans to head back to work on Thursday. What was once so far away is now almost front and center. In preparation, I made a couple of phone calls this week that were very difficult to make. I called to schedule a haircut and to use a massage gift certificate. If you had told me before this crazy ride that I would have trouble scheduling these mommy time-outs I would have laughed you out of the state, by the way. They both had openings today, so out I went. I did not feel ready to leave Gabe, and that's why the phone calls were so hard, but knew it would be good to help us adjust. Tim dropped Gabe at our local daycare for a few hours to prepare him for what will be a daily occurrence. Bless both Monica and Stephany for their time with me today but also for their reassurance that we will all be ok and that we are building a new normal. These been-there-done-that mamas know what they are talking about! 

Gabriel had a great day at daycare! He made new friends, and enjoyed lunch and all the new toys. When I picked him up he was glad to see me. We spent some good time cuddling when we got home, and are now cooling off at the water table before dinner. I think this will be one tired baby (and mama and baba) bear this evening! 

Home from daycare

More water table

Cuddles!

Ready to go Baba!

Little fingers unlocked Mamas phone this morning & snapped a pic

Earlier this week- pre-bedtime

Sitting on the porch watching the rain shower earlier this week

Cutie!

Terrific Two!

It's official, we have a two year old! Oh my goodness! Batten down the hatches! 

When we started the process of accepting Gabriel's file in September, Tim and I saw his June 1 birthday and whispered about the chances of having him home for his birthday. We didn't want to talk about it too loudly or get too attached to the notion in case it didn't work out. We feverishly completed paperwork and counted the days until we could cross off a step on the thick manual of to-do items with the June 1 date firmly in our minds.  

In October we completed our paperwork, kissed it (ok, that was just me), and sent it off to the courier in DC to walk it to the US State Dept and Embassy of China. At the same time we also had significant documents being processed at Homeland Security or USCIS (how quickly I forget!). The day our documents arrived to the courier, the government shut down. I cried. How would we get our son home for his birthday with the government in a shutdown?? And then God... It turns out that the departments our paperwork was routing through were not supported by whatever budget was in doubt. Our papers moved through. 

Every step we crossed off the world's largest to-do list brought us closer to having Gabe home for his birthday. Finally we received our consulate appointment and were able to schedule our travel- early enough for him to be home 2 weeks before his birthday! Amazing!

Gabriel had his first pediatrician visit this week at the International Adoption Clinic at the University of Kentucky. The doctor marveled over his condition- he's healthy, he's happy, he's adjusting. There are no developmental concerns, and he is right on track for his age. She told us what we already knew- he was loved and well cared for in China by wonderful people.  The foster family and nannies, and everyone that cared for him at Lupin have my unending gratitude. It was not easy for them to let him go, and I know his birthday is a bittersweet day for them. We have remembered our friends in China every moment this weekend. Thank you all for this gift! I am wrapping my arms around you for a hug tonight with tears in my eyes. Thank you. 

Now, enough sentimental stuff! On to the pictures!! 😋🎂🎉🎈

Enjoying lunch on Memorial Day. I know what you are thinking, but the answer is that moms have super powers and my white shirt stayed white! 

Brave boy with Baba after his doctor appointment on Wednesday

Watching the baseball game on tv before bed with Mama 

Present from Aunt Paula- bubble machine!! Hours of fun! It generates so many bubbles that they fly over the house. 

Birthday boy at College Park Saturday night- he's not interested in this photo op! 

Love to slide

Feet first is fun!

Yummy picnic with Magraul (nie nie)! 

Cake!

Spending time with great-Granny

Watch out world! Uncle Jeff teaching Gabe how to peddle!

Sunday morning clean-up

Just like Mickey, my hero! 

Enjoying fruit with Aunt Steffi (he can't say Steph or Stephanie so he's calling her Allie for now, short for her middle name, Allison.) 

Cake!

Watching the bubbles fly away

Memorials and Memories

This past Monday was Memorial Day. It's a day when our country remembers the sacrifice of those who have served and given their lives in service to our country. In my family growing up, the Memorial Day holiday was also a day to remember and honor our family who had passed on to live with Jesus. We would go to the cemetery in Northern Kentucky and plant flowers on the graves. We walked among the tombstones and noted the dates, looking for the oldest ones. We shook our heads in grief over the graves of the infants or very young. We saluted the veterans' graves. There is one grave with an inscription that describes how a young sailer's brave action saved the lives of those on board his vessel while taking his life. That one is sobering and it cuts to the quick of the meaning of Memorial Day. This year Gabe and I went with my parents, sister, and nephew to Northern Kentucky to do it all again. This year, though, we had another family grave to honor. My gramma died this year on New Year's. It's been six months now, and yet the emotion is still close to the surface. My gramma has been on my mind so much since we came back home from China.

Before I left for China in late April, I was crossing things off my mental to-do list while driving home from errands, and I thought, "And before I leave it would be good if I could get to see Gramma again." It hits me over and over like that, out of the clear blue sky with no warning. 

My gramma was so looking forward to meeting Gabe. She had a special twinkle in her eyes when she asked about him and whether we had had any updates. At the funeral service I think every one of her friends told me that my gramma had lived a full life, and that her only regret would have been that she didn't get to see Gabe come home. Her death was so sudden. We are glad that she didn't know pain or suffering, but it just hurt that our precious boy wouldn't get to feel her special hug or share her laughter. As this year passes, every first we have with Gabriel is also a first without my gramma... First Mother's Day with Gabe and first Mother's Day without Gramma. 

I watch Gabe run and jump and play, and I listen to that special laugh, and I know that my gramma is watching him and hearing him too. Her goodness, joy, and sweetness will live through him because of the qualities that she taught all of us that we will model for Gabe. She was a role model for me, and Gabe is now surrounded by a great cloud of family who will be his role models, and shape his life the way Gramma shaped mine- Grammy (lau lau) & Mac, Magraul (nie nie) & Papaw, Great-Granny, aunts, uncles, cousins, and many more! 

One Week Home

Today (so it's now yesterday) marks one week home for our little prince! There have been so many firsts this week and overall Gabe has been a happy boy- he's rarely fussy. He's a joy to have in our lives. We are so blessed by this little boy. Tim and I get to the end of each day and we are ready to drop with fatigue, but we wouldn't change a thing. We love our baby. I find myself just sitting and watching what he's going to think of next (and for the sake of honesty whatever he's thinking of next means I'm not "sitting" for very long). It's amazing to watch him figure things out and see the wheels in his head turn as he learns something new. 

Every morning he wakes us up about 7 am and is ready for Mickey Mouse on tv! After his diaper change he says over and over "Mi-chee!" Breakfast in his high chair is usually the biggest meal of the day- fruit (mostly watermelon, but sometimes apple), hot dog, yogurt, dry cereal or baby granola bar. He also loves toast with pb and honey or jam. 

We follow breakfast with play time and getting dressed for the day. He loves to play outside in his little car or his wagon. He will ride in either one and also loves to push/pull either of them around the yard. Gabe is a great help in the garden, and was a pro at helping Baba spread mulch and dig a hole to put in new flowers. He knows not to step on the flowers in the beds for the most part, but he does love to pick them (so do I)! Another favorite is the magna-doodle! He has a big one that is way more fun than the small travel one we took to China. 

We have lunch and then it's time for a nap. Nap time has been an adjustment. He is not always easy to lay down, but he plays so hard that he sleeps deeply once he gives in. We have more playtime after the nap, and then dinner. Most nights we go through a walk in the neighborhood with the dogs before bath and then bed! 

Thursday night we decided to try spaghetti and it was a huge hit! He will try most anything we are eating but we try to stick mainly with foods he is familiar with. One night we went to the local Chinese restaurant and Gabe's eyes were so big listening to the workers talk in the kitchen. The owner came over to speak to Gabe and brought him a special dish- a large sweet bread with meat and veggies inside. It was really good! His favorite is still pork dumplings as far as we can tell. 

Gabe has a great time when we go to the store. He sits in the buggy so well and will put anything you give him straight into the back of the cart. He also likes his car seat for the most part. 

On Wednesday we went to his first doctor appointment. He saw a radiographer for a kidney ultrasound. We will get the results next Wednesday when we see the pediatrician. He was wiggly on the table and didn't like the jelly on his tummy but luckily we had Jungle Book on the iPad to help take his mind off the procedure. He also visited his Mama & his Baba's workplaces and showed off his beautiful smile to everyone around. 

Friday afternoon we visited with our friend Betsy on her farm so Gabe could see the animals. Betsy said she rarely saw a child so brave! He wasn't scared at all by the pigs, mini-donkeys, ponys, goats, dogs, or chickens. Of course Baba was always close by to give him confidence. Betsy helped us get a family photo. 

We have had such a good week!! Happy Saturday! 

Final thought: tonight at church we sang one of my favorite hymns, so I will include it here as a heartwarming reminder.

“Great is Thy faithfulness,” O God my Father,

There is no shadow of turning with Thee;

Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not

As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

“Great is Thy faithfulness!” “Great is Thy faithfulness!“

Morning by morning new mercies I see;

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided

“Great is Thy faithfulness,” Lord unto Thee